A Gentle Guide to Experiencing Anger

By Affrica King

Anger is a universally recognisable, however, widely debated emotion. Social and emotional researchers have spent significant time trying to define whether anger is innately positive or negative and whether it shows up as a primary or secondary emotion (Williams, 2017). Albeit, even if academics were successful, categorising this emotion does not help us to experience and process anger in our everyday life.

Anger activates our nervous system, heightens our inner feelings, and our actions can become reactive. This is why repressed anger can be dangerous and lead to harm within ourselves and our relationships. To respond in a healthy way when anger shows up in our bodies and minds, we must understand that generally, anger is never alone. When we get curious about why we are angry, what we often find lurking beneath the surface are other emotions such as grief, disappointment, jealousy, betrayal, or shame.

When these emotions are the catalyst, getting angry gives us a false sense of control and is often the easy option because anger requires very little vulnerability. However, admitting that we are disappointed or ashamed, and accepting this truth requires us to be incredibly vulnerable and risk dropping our defences. In the moment, this can feel scary, but we know from research that suppressed anger has a myriad of adverse effects on physical and mental health (Staicu and Cutov, 2010), as well as relationships (Renshaw et al., 2010).

So when anger shows up, instead of reacting or suppressing, take a deep breath, gently acknowledge that you are feeling angry, and give yourself permission to take a break, even if that means stepping away from a person or environment. Choose to see this emotion showing up as an invitation to be vulnerable with yourself and others. Ask yourself, what am I actually feeling at this moment? Am I feeling disappointed? Have my boundaries been crossed? Do I feel threatened/ashamed/embarrassed?

When we choose to be curious about our emotions, to slow down and sit with them, we take control of our behaviour, our words, and our circumstances. Even though feeling our emotions requires vulnerability and courage, it is in this space where we also find profound peace and true connection to ourselves and others.